i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
