How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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