I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
