I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
