Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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