I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
