cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
