i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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