U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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