whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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