Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
