Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
