Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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