I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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