Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
