u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
