idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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