Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
