I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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