I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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