sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
