So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she smelled like a LAN party
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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