We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
mondays should just be called national damage control day
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Found the puke drawer
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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