Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
