I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
