And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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