She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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