Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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