I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
