I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
