Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
