There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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