just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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