Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
