my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
