Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
