Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
