his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
