I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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