Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
