the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
