i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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