i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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