Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
