she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
