if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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