Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
