so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
