I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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