Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
